This one was just plain fun. My revenge for having to sit in too many courtrooms. HA!

IT WAS TERRIBLY COMPLICATED


Both attorneys pretended to be friends when meeting in the hallways. Insincere handshakes and inquiries regarding children, pets, and spouses came out of carefully composed faces and mouths. It was an orchestrated waltz of friendship.

But once within the confines of the court, facing the judge from behind their respective tables, the dance segued into a military engagement. Advance, retreat, demand, expound. They fired intense dramatic salvos across the five foot aisle that separated them.

The judge listened to the cannon’s roar with half an ear, texting on his IPhone. His twitter message to the judge three courtrooms down was football based, “On the 50 yard line, Al, the balls in play.”

A fat man in the sixth row back was idly sketching unflattering cartoons of the judge, both attorneys, and the back of the woman seated directly in front of him. His case was the last one of the afternoon and he was trying to keep himself awake long enough to hear his name called.

An eager, yet grossly underpaid young intern from one of the attorney’s offices was frantically writing down every word of the attorney’s conflict. The star of the law firm that employed her stood on the left of the aisle, brilliantly destroying her opponent’s arguments (or so the intern thought). She was hoping for a snippet of the action that she might use to stroke the great ego into recognizing her, and maybe getting a raise.

Two Latino gentlemen seated along the rear wall of the court whispered furiously trying to agree on their testimony before being called as witnesses. Their case was number thirty, ten past the one being heard now.

The bailiff was shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot trying to get his bullet proof vest to stop pinching his left armpit and praying for a recess. His bladder was demanding his attention; he should never have had three cups of coffee before court.

A muttered conversation in the hall broke into shouts of profanity that hit the oak doors of the courtroom and caused them to sway inward. The judge twittered “penalty flag down” to Al and told both the attorneys to shut up, the bailiff to go attend to the ruckus and called a ten minute break.

Twelve assorted people rushed out of the courtroom to go to the bathroom, eight of them in inter-related cases. A fist fight broke out in the men’s room over who would get the Hereford cattle from Grandpa’s ranch in one case, and security was called by the bailiff who had finally gotten to pee.

Sounds of breaking glass and ripping clothing distracted half the security force into the women’s bathroom and several arrests were demanded for attempted assault.

The judge reconvened to an almost empty courtroom, the bailiff entering still in the process of zipping up.

Al texted his friend, “I’ve got both your attorneys down here in front of my bench now.” And the judge texted back, “Game called on account of rain” -- banged his gavel and said, “Court’s adjourned until tomorrow.”